I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
