If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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