I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
