My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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