I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
