Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
