Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
