So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just want nice things and good sex
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
