I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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