I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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