Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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