I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize