True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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