We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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