Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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