he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
this hospital has no fireball
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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