Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Randomize