Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
