two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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