I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
