Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
