What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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