I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
