Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
