I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
