when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
