You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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