Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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