Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize