get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
