It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
