i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
