woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
