I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
