They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
