I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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