To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
