I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
