woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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