Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dear god my vagina.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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