Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
