I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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