Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
