I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I am mentally ready for anal.
soo... how was my night?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
