OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We need a shit load of segways right now
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize