I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Everyone says I win the strip club
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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