He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
