I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
