I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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