According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
