I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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