Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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