Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Randomize
